“Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.” Psalm 119: 36       

I felt drained nearly lifeless for most of my son’s grade-school years.  I lived with an iron-willed grip, which came through each night as my jaw pressed down the day’s anxieties.  That grip deceived me into thinking I was in control of his academic life.  I was fixed on striving my way to honoring God by producing a top student in a certain amount of time.  I thought I should place the bar there like most other moms around me.  But God didn’t need me to.  I’m still speechless.

I stood in a sea of mostly strangers in front of our large high school watching our son and a thriving group of boys he had known for only two years burst through the exit doors wearing smiles and unzipped graduation robes.  Fulfillment came over me like warmth from the sun, but a chill began to set in.  They were each wearing their honors cords, a visual symbol of their academic achievement.  All but my son.

I never dreamed I would arrive to that anticipated day having the one undecorated student of the group.  It just wasn’t possible.  Through middle school, there were great classroom performances and lots of awards to match.  I had taught, pushed, and prompted this boy for years assuming he would aptly take the reins in high school and arrive at great scholarships to appealing schools.

Then life came on like waves, the social distractions, sports demands, overloaded schedules and challenging transitions.  Like grasping to a raft while searching for the shore was my new norm.  Since we had moved to this town two years prior, the parents around me had no idea that my son had once been worthy of those yellow cords.  But why did I need them to know?  Why did it matter so much? 

At that moment, I stood in a heap of people wanting to be invisible, and God tapped me on the shoulder.  He knew that my striving was originally meant for good, that I wanted my son to be as great as he had been created to be;  but what God wanted to deal with at that moment was my selfish desire to look important to the people around me.  I felt embarrassed.  I felt inadequate.  I had made it about me, and He knew that pride was about to cause me to miss what that moment was supposed to be.

Psalm 119:36 tells us to turn our hearts toward His statutes and not toward selfish gain.  So when we choose to turn away from our own selfish needs in our circumstances and truly seek out what God has for us and what He is doing (even if it doesn’t make sense!), we are molded to be more like Him.  We can put away the world’s definition of success knowing that true victory is to have a heart like God’s while honoring Him with our lives.

In that next moment, I chose to gaze upon my son and marvel at all God had gifted him to be.  I wasn’t going to miss it – his respectful character, his kind nature, the way he cared for his siblings, and his desire to ask “what would Jesus do?”.  On top of that, he was a talented and hard working athlete.  A funny thing happened.  The attributes I realized I cared most about that day didn’t involve academic rank, but instead, everything else.  It was enough to just be who we were.

As I continued to yield my grip, I was able to absorb the blessing of the two years of togetherness God gave our family while our son played baseball at our local community college.  I was able to notice how God was transforming us as he prepared us for the surprise he had in store.  What was the surprise?  One of the top academic college baseball programs in the country had a spot on their roster that they wanted filled by a certain type of community college player – one player.  They had a unique connection with my son’s coach.  According to what I knew, my son did not qualify to go there – but that’s not what God said.  Sometimes, He needs to take us somewhere only He could take us…in His ways, in His timing, to show us HIS BEST, to help us let go.  My jaw is still dropped today.

The words of Proverbs 16:9 have never seemed so true.  “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”  We prepare for what we hope will be the case…God orchestrates the beautiful, unexpected details – in His time.

Is there something regarding your family or your work that you are holding on to so tightly that you’re wearing the enamel off your teeth?  Are you afraid that if you loosen the reins there would be a temporary mess that might cause you to feel judged or inadequate?  Ask God to give you confidence, patience and wisdom as you seek His direction in your circumstances.