I didn’t have enough fun.

That’s what I can conclude as I look back on my twenty-two year parenting journey.  I was on edge trying to get through days without mishaps, usually focusing on what might go wrong.  I was waiting to catch someone spitting vegetables in a napkin, giving Barbie a haircut, or pumping hand soap into the toilet.  I felt responsible to get my little army in order before we went out for public evaluation – if the world thought I had it all together, then I must.  So I was Mom Police. 

I didn’t fully realize it back then, but I was rarely breathing in the joy of that precious season of nurturing and teaching.  And I didn’t have anyone saying to me, “Hey, try not to worry so much about looking like the perfect parent. Your kids will be great,” or “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be enjoying yourself much lately.”  Well, not actual people.  I’m certain I read these types of statements in the mom’s Bible study books I was reading, but I was hardly taking it in.  To take it in would have meant I had to loosen my grip and be a little okay with temporary calamity.  I wish grown-up me could go back and let younger me know…it was never all up to me anyway.

Galatians 6:4 says, “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.”

I love what this verse is saying.  Focusing on the work you’ve been given and giving it your best, getting satisfaction when the end product surfaces “well done,” and not feeling the need to compare yourself to anyone else…because that admirable product will give you all the confidence you need.  But this can be hard to apply to parenting, because we may be waiting a while to get that confidence boost (It’s a marathon, not a sprint).  In the mean time, we may not enjoy parenting because we’re too busy trying to keep things from looking like a mess to outsiders.  Am I the only one?

Why can’t we just be confident?

Good question.  

Here are some hindrances to our mom confidence:

1. We are trying to avoid being judged, so we rush to fix things before anyone notices.  It’s hard to be confident as we wait for positive outcomes while thinking other watching parents are labeling us inadequate.  When we begin to take in God’s mercy and grace realizing that He loves us and is for us and there’s a bigger, more important picture here, we won’t base our worth so much on the opinions of others.  We will start to live loved!  As we are reminded in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2. Satan works his way in and gets a foothold!  He doesn’t want us to rise into our God-given influence – he wants us to lead our homes with insecurity and fear.  He not only wants us to feel weak but also paralyzed, so we won’t ask God for strength or seek support from a trusted Christian mom – because that would make us feel even weaker!  Satan’s lie.

3. We have emotional baggage from the past that is constantly working against our efforts to exude healthy mom confidence.  It’s time to start shedding those bags by using great Christian resources, like Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero, reading and taking in the meaning of encouraging scripture, and pondering daily on who Jesus is to us and how we can forgive and live forgiven as believers because HE DIED FOR US.  

Here are some things that happen when we’re not confident:

(Have you done any of these?  I have.)

1. We might do a parental “shape shift” – parenting like those around us for acceptance, even if it’s not the right answer for our own family.

2. We wear ourselves out trying to make things look good on the outside, so we miss important heart issues with our kids or special individual needs – we’re either too tired to deal with them, or we just miss them altogether.  These heart issues will come back around when we least want them to.

3. We might not discipline well because we want our kids to “like” us to help us feel better about ourselves. We take the path of least resistance to avoid making them upset.  We’re more like a buddy than a parent because we want their approval.  

4. It will be easier for us to feel guilty for not taking care of everyone’s needs all the time, so we over-serve everyone and don’t set aside enough time for self-care, hobbies, etc.  With a lack of healthy boundaries here and a need to get other’s approval, our confidence is reduced even more due to neglect of ourselves.  Meeting a friend for lunch, getting a pedicure, or reading a book would be great!

You may ask,”How can I be confident at every turn when I don’t always have the information I need?”  Or, “What does confidence even look like?”

Through many years of studying God’s word, reading books by Christian moms, fellowshipping with Christian mentors, and learning how to open my heart to prayer, I’ve had to do sort of an unpeeling, breaking down, deprogramming, reprogramming and building back up.  Such a process, and still going!  This is how I’ve been learning that the most important knowledge I can have is knowledge of my creator and His love for me. This has shown me what the best mom confidence should look like.

In my next post, I will be talking about what confidence should look like in a mom who is following Jesus and how it can fill your family with courage!